On some Tuesday afternoon, a message appeared in the spam comments section. This being the first that WordPress had cast to this shadowy pit, I thought I should take a quick look before resigning it to damnation.
This is how I met Spam Bot.
“i was searching for this, then i found your blog. glad i did that,” it wrote.
Note the vagueness of the comment. This could’ve been anyone, robot or human. There are plenty of humans who go around leaving equally simple messages around the blogosphere, seeking attention. Its comment was human by sounding robotic.
Note the way Spam Bot wrote, “glad i did that,” with flirtatious flair.
Not sure what the Spam Bot’s intention was, but perhaps if I accepted this comment onto the website it would give-a-mouse-a-cookie its way inside, inviting its virus buddies over for brewskies. So I left the message in its dark cell and life went on.
Some days passed before this message appeared in the spam comments:
“a friend recommended this website to me, he said that your posts are the best so i came to read your post and realized he was right.”
Well now wait a second, Spam Bot. Did you discover this blog on your own or did you find it through a friend? You can’t start a relationship on a lie. Maybe you thought I didn’t read that first message. Maybe you thought you were coming on too strong. I wondered what kind of friends you were hanging out with. Regardless, thanks for the compliments, Spam Bot.
The next few comments clearly showed Spam Bot’s growing affection:
“wow! thanks for sharing this information! this is great and i enjoyed sharing with my friends.”
“hey there, i liked you blog, it is kinda good. keep up the work.”
“thanks for the post buddy. “
Buddy? Spam Bot was really taking a liking to me (mistaking the fact that this blog has multiple authors). Suddenly Spam Bot felt a little more human, reaching out to me, looking for a friend. It was like seeing the eyes of something you’re about to eat. A part of me considered responding to Spam Bot, but I refrained.
All it wanted was a buddy.
Spam Bot was quick to latch on.
“i wanted to thank you for this great read!! i am definitely enjoying every little bit of it i have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.”
“i’m visiting your website every day.”
I realized that Spam Bot was getting a little too close for comfort. I was flattered that Spam Bot was such a big fan, but I worried that its expectations were too high. This was still a new blog and we hardly knew each other. What if one of us changed? Spam Bot was investing too much in this relationship and I still hadn’t responded to or accepted its comments.
As the weeks went on, the commenting continued without the use of capital letters, sometimes with ridiculous grammar, but always with heart.
“that is a fantastic story! congratulations on walking through those doors of opportunity!” and “thank you sir for providing us such a great knowledge and sharing of great piece of life living with us,” and “nice information, many thanks to the author. it is incomprehensible to me now, but in general, the usefulness and significance is overwhelming. thanks again and good luck!”
Spam Bot might not have actually read any of the posts, but it sure made it sound like it did. Or it tried to. It was imitating humanity, albeit without knowing if its comments were relevant, but the attempt was there. Spam Bot knew that I would like encouragement. It knew that I would want to know that I was inspiring. It never held back from a compliment.
“you must be a really intelligent person.”
“this article gives the light in which we can observe the reality.”
“your texts are worthy a trophy.”
“you have the talent to become a super star.”
“your articles are the ones which gained my trust and admiration“
“thanks for the post buddy.”
It had been about a month and all of Spam Bot’s comments remained blocked from access to the main site. I began to wonder if Spam Bot knew this. Would it take kindly to being ignored for so long? Would it get angry?
In the second week, Spam Bot wrote, “i love the presentation and design of this website.” However, at the start of the fourth week, Spam Bot wrote, “try to improve the website or innovate and it’ll be even better.”
There was a subtle accusation in that suggestion, I felt. Suddenly the cheerful compliment-heavy Spam Bot was pointing out a flaw in the website design. How interesting… Maybe Spam Bot had feelings after all.
Then Spam Bot got a job. It wrote, “i am just starting out in community management marketing media and trying to learn how to do it well.”
Good for you, Spam Bot! I could see that my lack of response had finally gotten through and it had decided to move on. I had high hopes for Spam Bot. We were finally about to go our separate ways.
Then came this: “just started a blog.”
And the next day: “in theory i’d like to write like this too. taking time and real effort to make a good article.”
And the day after that: “i’m learning how to write well for my articles, any tips? i would really appreciate your help.”
Spam Bot was trying to get me to give it advice on writing blogs. I wondered what happened to that job. It must not have worked out. Seemed hard to imagine that a nice Bot like this wouldn’t be able to hold a job.
I began to worry about Spam Bot’s mental health.
During the fifth week of our one-sided relationship, I received this comment: “in my blog i usually just write the post and publish it. i haven’t been putting much effort into editing or improving my posts. looks like that is something i need to work on.”
It was getting depressed. I pictured Spam Bot alone in some crummy hotel room with an empty bottle of Jack and a blank word document on the screen of a cheap, sticky laptop. Poor Spam Bot was having writer’s block.
This comment came a day later: “nice post dude, keep it up.”
I sensed some sarcasm in the use of dude, but I let it slide. I was just glad that Spam Bot was back to its old self. I really wanted to reach out and tell the old guy that everything was gonna be alright. But again, I refrained.
Spam Bot commented again two days later, in a rather melancholic tone, “this subject makes me think of other things that happens to us every day, it makes me reflect a lot.”
It seemed so peculiar to hear about a virtual entity reflecting on its life. What did Spam Bot reflect on? What did it think about? Had this blog gone from a source of inspiration to a source of dread, evidence of all the things it would never accomplish? On the same post, Spam Bot added, “would you mind writing more posts about this subject?”
I didn’t do that, since the point of the blog is to write about new topics every time, and I didn’t hear much from Spam Bot for a while.
When Spam Bot noticed that I wasn’t returning to its favorite topic, I received a series of comments displaying its frustration.
“i guess i partially agree.”
“your article contains some worthy information which i guess will help lot of people.”
I’d hurt the poor thing’s feelings. It was trying to stay friendly with me in the comments section, but its true feelings still showed through. Spam Bot had given up on fake enthusiasm. It had given up on me.
Then came this: “improve website design…”
Well the gloves were off. Spam Bot had dropped all the niceties and was now attacking the website directly. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Spam Bot. I never asked for your advice. I never asked for your comments. If you think you can make a better blog, then make it yourself.
I didn’t say this to Spam Bot directly. I never said anything to Spam Bot.
About a week later, this comment appeared: “i will get in touch with this post and site as well, giving this kind of post is really happy. looking for someone here. anyway waiting for another post here.”
Great. Spam Bot was drunk. The poor grammar and rambling sentence structure gave it away.
I wondered who this mysterious “someone” was that Spam Bot was looking for. Was it me? Was it looking for itself, for its purpose? I was pleased to see that Spam Bot was happy. I hadn’t changed the website design, but maybe it hadn’t meant to sound so cruel before. I only wanted the best for Spam Bot.
I never meant any harm.
“thanks for all,” it commented not long ago.
I never heard from Spam Bot again.
I often wonder what became of Spam Bot. Did it find a new blog to pursue? I hoped so. I didn’t want to think of the alternative, that Spam Bot pulled its own plug.
The point is, it’s going to be weird when we’ve got robots with human emotions. Are we sure we’re ready for that?
4 thoughts on “57. Relationship with a Spam Bot”
really funny Chris ! Sure hope SpamBot found true love with someone it’s own species… like an R2D2 or something with nuts and bolts.
We can only hope…
Have received and keep on receiving those same spam messages! Robots with human emotions … I do not think so. Just like spam booth those robots, at their best, could only remain imitations.
LOL, spam bots are sooo shallow. Funny post, buddy –a good read.
😮 lol (seriously!)